Your Pillow Problems and How to Fix Them

drawn pillow

People who know me know that I do not sleep. I am chronically awake. I cannot nap. I have an unused Ambien prescription sitting in my nightstand because my roommate is too nervous that she won’t wake up if I sleepwalk into traffic. (Honestly, I’d rather her save me from binge-eating in my sleep but her causes are more noble than mine.)

I have a lot of issues. Sometimes, though, the greatest ideas come to you when you have hours and hours to just lay awake and contemplate the world every night. And sometimes you’re making your bed because you washed your sheets for the first time in… six weeks?… and genius strikes.

I was debating which of my many pillow cases to put on my one good pillow. I want it to look nice, but I also need it feel nice because it’s the only pillow I end up using. So then, the debate of which pillowcase to put on my several other, old, very crappy pillows comes down to which cases hide sweat stains the best.

And then, I ran out of good pillow cases and was stuck with the less-than-sexy choice of putting a mismatched pillowcase on my new clean sheets, or leaving one pillow naked in the closet to feed my moths.

But instead, I had a BRAIN BLAST™ and I invented the super pillow™.

Remember when your roommate would go home for the weekend in college, and you’d dream about pushing the two twin beds together to form a super bed? Yeah, it’s like that, but with pillows.

Step one:

Select two of your old, tired pillows that you don’t even use anymore because they provide zero support to your pretty little head and fill out the pillowcases worse than your boobs did your first bra.

Step two:

Find a pillowcase somewhere (ideally in your Mom’s house, she has too much stuff anyway) that closes in the back, or does something other than let the pillow end hang out the side (we’re about to be a little gross, but we don’t need anyone to see).

Step three:

Shove pillow A into case. You’re doing great so far.

Step four:

Shove pillow B into case, right on top of pillow A. This step is the hardest, but you’re talented and capable, and I totally believe in you.

Step five:

Do a lot of punching. Try your best to make this look like a normal pillow. Awesome job.

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Step six:

Sleep in peaceful harmony on super pillow.

I mean, this isn’t going to replace your favorite pillow, but now you’ve gone from one good pillow and zero other options to one good pillow and one sturdy, passable pillow for when you have overnight guests, in your bed or otherwise.

Why is this a good idea?

  1. You didn’t consume any new pillow resources by replacing those old pillows.
  2. No money spent, unless you didn’t have a mom with too much stuff and/or basic sewing skills (me).
  3. No little kid in a different country had to use their basic sewing skills for meager wages just because you don’t have them since you spent 4 years on a liberal arts degree instead.
  4. Goose did not have to die.
  5. Geese are awful creatures, even if they deserve to die, we still should not buy pillows.
  6. Boyfriend not complaining about neck problems anymore.
  7. Boyfriend does not deserve new pillow anyway, he can buy own or put ring on it. Up to him.