The 7 Struggles of a Simple & Clean Beauty Routine

Hello. I am vain. When people say they are trying to lose weight to feel better about themselves and have more confidence, I am not among those people. If I’m trying to lose weight, it is 100% to look sexier in a bikini, and I don’t care who knows it.

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Eyeliner brought to you by something I found at Whole Foods. The ring I’m wearing is a finger-sized key ring that I found on the ground. See how normal I still look!?

Will I leave the house without filling in my eyebrows? How bad of a brow day am I having? (99% of the time, the answer is “very”)

Nevertheless, every time I use my glorious acne scrub in the shower, I can’t help but picture a fish choking on my microbeads and thus haunting the seas until its ghost drowns my aforementioned sexy bikini body at the beach.

So, I’ve been trying to opt for simpler and greener beauty products lately, and here are the things I have learned.

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Purchased at Whole Foods, you know, that makeup store.


  1. Waterproof eyeliner is not “natural.” Ok, it wasn’t it tested on animals, but maybe it should have been because it’s running all over the f***in place and now I look like a weeping linebacker in war paint.
  2. My face is accustomed to a certain quality of life. I started using sunflower and olive oil as a face moisturizing. I developed eczema. I bought a $26 natural moisturizer from LUSH as a consequence. Now I have gotten rid of the eczema and replaced it with $26 in credit card debt.
  3. LUSH Shampoo bars are a godsend, but don’t help with that chronic dry scalp problem. I used the ever-glorious Braziliant bar all summer and my hair was easy manage, so sexual, and free of buildup. The second winter hit, though, snowflakes were coming down from more than just the sky, and I had to buy an emergency bottle of T-Gel to stop that shit.
  4. Homemade face wash does not come in Pomegranate Passion or Bubbly Blueberry. It smells nothing like the fruity flowers of your plastic bottle past. It smells like castile soap and sunflower oil, also known as the Calvin Klein signature scent, “Not Good.” Hey, at least you smell clean.
  5. I am not brave enough to wash my hair with vinegar. Again, LUSH shampoo bars are an affordable and practical #BLESSING, and I’m not quite ready to walk around this Earth smelling like fish ‘n’ chips.
  6. If you wanna live #wasteless, you’ll have to use a lot of crappy beauty products you hated and never used in the first place. Oh, ask me about the bb cream that contributed to the eczema outbreak of lesson 2! Or the smudgey Walgreens eyeliner that lasted Hanukkah-miracle-style long!
  7. The vaguely depressing truth is that I look fine in anything. I spent several weeks experimenting with different eco-friendly and natural beauty products while also trying to work through all of the old beauty products I never used so as not to waste them. Many products either were genuinely terrible or just took a while to get used to, and at the end of the day, I could live with everything. Maybe the tone was off and needed a little doctoring, or maybe my eyeliner would be smudged around 4:00PM, but nothing was so bad that I regretted the decision to go natural. Why did I ever spend time and money on choosing the best products when the simplest ones are fine?
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This is my very presentable homemade face wash. 1/4 Castile soap, 3/4 sunflower oil, then anything to make it smell better, dear God please. Yes, it’s in a pickle jar.


  • I spend so little on beauty products now, I am rich enough to afford that LUSH lotion.
  • After figuring out what works with my skin and body, my routine is totally chill and I feel just as good as I did before.
  • My hair doesn’t need to be washed very often and never gets that gross stickiness from buildup since I’ve only been putting shampoo bar and sunflower oil in it.

Do it, guys. Change just one product. It will be fine, and even if it’s not, you’ll learn something interesting or get a good horror story to tell at your next book club meeting.