Lonely Lady Hummus: It’s Good, I Promise

Below is a recipe I invented for “hummus.” Do not make this recipe for your friends. It is not hummus. It is not attractive. It tastes only vaguely reminiscent of hummus, but it makes all of the white beans that I eat constantly but despise very palatable. It is best served standing over your counter in the 12 minutes you have between getting home from work and dying inside.

What is even the difference between all of the different white beans? I do not understand or care, and probably never will. Alone, they all taste like salty garbage, IMO. You can use cannellini or great northern or butter beans or beige beans or tan beans. If someone can explain those subtleties me, please do.


I keep my medicines in this empty tahini can on my nightstand. Is the brand’s logo racist? Yes or no? Tell me what YOU think in the comments! (Uh…like for racist, share for not racist? haha…?)

Ok so here’s the goddamn recipe:

Prep time: 2 minutes

Serves: 1 lonely lady or gentleman

Difficulty: Easy and safe enough for one-year-olds to make


½ can white beans of your choice or chickpeas

1 tbsp olive oil (or not honestly if hate calories it doesn’t make that big a difference)

1 ½ tbsp tahini – this is what really gives it that hummusy taste so do not skip

A splash of lemon juice (optional, who tf has this in their house all the time?)

Pinch of salt (v important)

Black pepper to taste

Garlic to taste (if you’re me, you put in more than is even legal, I think)

Red pepper to taste (I put in more than is responsible, I think)

I start off by draining the beans and putting them into the bowl I’m gonna eat out of, because I am disgusting and live alone most of the time. Do whatever you want. Live your truth. Mash that shit up with a fork. Add the olive oil, tahini, garlic, and lemon juice. Mash it up with a fork more. Add all of the spices you want. Mash more. Now you are done. Thank you for your time.
I dip anything you’d dip in hummus into this, or I spread it on two pieces of Ezekiel toast and eat an open-face sandwich. This usually takes place in front of South Park before I fall asleep on the couch. Note: why I called it Lonely Lady Hummus.