Fuck Salad!

18161640_127604347787891_1239813997289537536_nHello everyone.

I rarely eat meat. I also try to be skinny in a never ending cycle of eating cake and then proclaiming “sugar is poison” to anyone who will listen.

So, most people think that all I eat is salad. That is wrong, and I want to clear the record.

Salad is fine. I mostly like salad when it’s 90% bacon bits and blue cheese and olive oil. The rest of the time, salad can kiss my ass.

Reasons that I think salad is bad:

  1. Lettuce goes bad super fast in my fridge.
  2. Lettuce is also sold in big plastic boxes and that’s dumb.
  3. If you don’t buy it in a plastic box or bag, you have to do a lot of work washing it.
  4. It is full of dirt.
  5. Wtf are all of the different kinds of lettuce even? I think Arugula is good? Is that lettuce? Or a totally different thing? I am confused, and I hate it.
  6. Salad usually comes with either no protein at all or fucking chicken. Or salmon. Either way, there are usually very few vegetarian entree salads at restaurants.
  7. Salad does not come with fries.
  8. I love fries.
  9. Salad is just as bad for you as fries are when you make it delicious by putting all of the stuff I like (fries) on it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll eat raw mushrooms and carrots and tomatoes for days. Broccoli is my #1 favorite food (don’t tell lentils). Sometimes salad, even when it’s not smothered in oil, is realllly delicious. But, no one can eat salad for almost every meal, which is kind of the perception of vegetarians and dieters alike.

Here is a list of veg and healthy things you can eat that aren’t fucking salad:

  1. Lentils and broccoli.
  2. Lonely Lady Hummus on Toast or as Dip
  3. Veggie burgers – make your own (hard) or defrost one of Dr. Praeger’s (not full of garbage)
  4. Sexed-Up Vegetarian Refried Beans on Toast or as Dip or with Spoon
  5. Lentil Pasta – My Fave Brand
  6. Veggie Sandwich – [INSERT RECIPE FOR VEGGIE SANDWICH THAT WAS GOOD]
  7. Eggplant – sautéed or parmeggiano