So, as much as I love pop-up Halloween stores for buying creepy babies and LARP-ready lingerie, it is an incredibly wasteful tradition. We get all of these cheaply-made, plastic-wrapped costumes shipped over from China, and we over-spend on them to wear them to maybe three parties. They typically fall apart before you’re able to reuse them for Purim, much less the following Halloween.
I will die before I stop celebrating the best American holiday, so I have brainstormed a few ideas for no-waste costumes that you can probably make exclusively from stuff you already own. I have divided them into three categories. “Extremely lazy,” “make-up heavy,” and “you probably won’t get mocked for wearing this.” Eat your heart out. (spooooooooooky!)
These costumes are not pictured because they are so easy, you do not need an example.
The Brawny Man. From the paper towel brand. Plaid flannel, jeans, a roll of paper towels. Done.
Mr. Clean. I love cleaning mascots, you guys. Just wear a tight white t-shirt, white bottoms of some kind, and one hoop earring. Carry around a sponge or a get a bald cap, and people will totally get it. By “get it,” I mean they’ll understand how little you planned for this because you are an adult and don’t have the time or money to own a real costume
Ninja. Dress in all black. Add a ski mask and hat if you feel extra. Cut a star out of cardboard and cover it in aluminium foil to blow your friends away with how much you’ve committed to this off-the-charts lazy costume.
While these costumes are lazy and bare bones in the clothing they require, they will call for some intermediate make-up work. Read more
The next time someone tells me they can’t be as green as they’d like because they always buy “what’s cheapest,” I will lose my mind. It’s time for me to expose them as the FILTHY, DIRTY LIARS they are. Nine out of ten times, the green option is the cheapest. And no, I’m not including the 99/100 times when the greenest option is just “don’t buy that.”
Sustainability is problematically associated with upper-middle-class moms who shop at Whole Foods and lease brand new Priuses every year. Many people with the intention to make good lifestyle changes for the planet never follow through because of the perceived huge costs of those changes.
The idea that living sustainably is expensive or unrealistic on a budget stigmatizes conscious consumerism, and it couldn’t be farther from the truth. Here’s why: Read more
Oh what’s that? Is that Master Chef calling? You want to hire me as a consultant and pay me a million dollars a year? Now’s not a good time, but yes, I am a genius.
I have invented the world’s healthiest breakfast. After scouring the internet for something sweet and actually palatable that didn’t have flour or sugar in it, I decided I would invent my own dish.
The result, my friends, is the Unprocessed Banana Oat Bar. It has no added sugar, just uses the sweetness of bananas. The most processed grain involved is quick oats, which is renowned world over for being a healthy af breakfast. And best of all, it doesn’t taste like hot garbage or rabbit food! I promise you this recipe has been tasted and approved by even the least hippie of my friends and family.
Vegan. Gluten Free. Nut-free. No added sugar. So healthy it’s almost gross.
GUYS. I miss the good old days of getting handwritten chain letters from my elementary school friends and the awkward feeling of not having enough other friends to forward it to as much as the next person does. But fuck all of the mail I get as an adult. It it literally all garbage, and 99% of it comes in the form of a credit card offer that I need to shred in case anyone is rifling through my garbage looking for 50K bonus American Airlines miles. It’s not just garbage, it’s a goddamn chore.
Plants are amazing. They taste delicious. No mobs outside McDonald’s ever yell at you about how much they love their mothers or how they can learn how to paint. Vegans, amirite?
Changing your diet and lifestyle to be more plantastic is awesome for the Earth, but not all plants are created equal. I am guilty of adoring artichokes, and I usually only eat the delicious center of them, thereby wasting 99% of it and denying my future grandchildren access to clean drinking water or something else terrible along the way
Everyone knows almonds caused the drought in California – haha it totally wasn’t over-consumption from human haha no way haha we are totally doing great and almonds are to blame haha who knew haha just don’t take away my baths haha ! – but who knows how to choose between corn and potatoes for dinner?Read more
My roommate and I recently decided that if we’re going to live in our apartment for another year, we better decorate it. Yeah, we had lived here for a year, and there was still nothing on the walls except the below “Fuck Trump” decree leftover from the day after the election.
Let’s clarify, I am garbage and could not have cared less how much or how little stuff was on the wall. I did win the argument and my lazily resistant streamers will remain up until we have a new president. But happy wife, happy life, and I try to be a good husband to my roommate.
Here is a list of things I learned while trying to decorate my apartment on a very cheap budget: Read more
I went through a period of my life during which I only ever ordered cheeseburgers at restaurants. I became a cheeseburger snob, and I finally developed a taste for different temperatures and seasonings. Needless to say, I fuckin love cheeseburgers.
Beef has been the hardest thing to give up since I went lazy veg in 2015. But it’s also one of the more problematic meats, so I try to cheat with it as little as possible. Read more
People who know me know that I do not sleep. I am chronically awake. I cannot nap. I have an unused Ambien prescription sitting in my nightstand because my roommate is too nervous that she won’t wake up if I sleepwalk into traffic. (Honestly, I’d rather her save me from binge-eating in my sleep but her causes are more noble than mine.)
I have a lot of issues. Sometimes, though, the greatest ideas come to you when you have hours and hours to just lay awake and contemplate the world every night. And sometimes you’re making your bed because you washed your sheets for the first time in… six weeks?… and genius strikes. Read more
1. Donate the money you saved on something bad to a good cause – I recently bought some extraordinarily cheap glasses from firmoo.com. They were less than $40, including expedited shipping because I am a princess and could not wait four weeks for them to get all the way here from China. A normal pair of glasses can run 10x that, so with all of the yucky guilt that came with the idea of a plane flying these glasses 22 hours first class from Shanghai, I decided to make a monthly recurring donation to GiveWell. More on that here. So basically, I get it. It’s hard not to shop at H&M sometimes. Just throw some cash at trees or something after.
I am a lazy vegetarian. That means I try to be as vegetarian as possible for environmental reasons, but when I’m at my dad’s house or a barbecue restaurant whose only veg option is Caesar salad, I’ll get the damn meat.
That being said, I also am not in love with a lot of vegetarian foods like tofu and black beans. But, refried beans are something that I loved as a carnivore and love to this day. They’re also pretty healthy while leaving you reminiscent of the good old greasy Mexican food days. So, here is my recipe for sexing-up that can of grocery-store-brand vegetarian refried beans that was 69 cents.