Below is a recipe I invented for “hummus.” Do not make this recipe for your friends. It is not hummus. It is not attractive. It tastes only vaguely reminiscent of hummus, but it makes all of the white beans that I eat constantly but despise very palatable. It is best served standing over your counter in the 12 minutes you have between getting home from work and dying inside.
What is even the difference between all of the different white beans? I do not understand or care, and probably never will. Alone, they all taste like salty garbage, IMO. You can use cannellini or great northern or butter beans or beige beans or tan beans. If someone can explain those subtleties me, please do.
So, this recipe is not very attractive, but for some reason it seems to impress people. In true HAG fashion, this recipe takes around 10 minutes to make, uses around 3 dishes (if you’re smart) and uses almost every spice in your cabinet. It is filling enough to eat as your only course if you’re not into trying hard, but you can also pair it with your fave protein or grain.
Trigger warning: This is more of a pedantic rant than anything else. Enjoy?
Let’s get this straight. I love Chinese food. And Indian food, and Thai food, and pizza and cheeseburgers. I love most food. But, my days of ordering in have come to an end. Why? First reason: I’m a princess. Second reason: I am poor. If I’m gonna spend $25 on a meal for one, I’m definitely gonna have a handsome waiter deliver me free refills of diet coke while I make him uncomfortable by using graphic language every time he approaches the table to check in. I’m absolutely gonna have a high-school aged hostess show me to my table and feel so superior to her just ‘cause she’s a teen. Suck it, teens! I can drink alcohol in public!
Second, ordering in is so needlessly wasteful. You know when you order Chinese, so you get an egg roll and your main course and fried rice? Sure, maybe you’re not as disgusting as I am, but this is a safe space. They always put the little green sauce that no one wants and the little purple sauce that no one wants in these little plastic cups that you can never reuse because even if you were the kind of person who brought a salad to work for lunch, you’d definitely want more dressing than can fit in there. Rant over. But seriously? You really need a plastic thingy for the sauce, another plastic thingy for the protein, another cardboard foldy thingy for the rice, and plastic silverware and fortune cookies and chopsticks?
Sidebar: I cannot use chopsticks gracefully. I could practice more, but that seems like a waste of time when we have been blessed with forks. Maybe if I were going to Asia I’d practice in order to be respectful and not look like a yuge asshole. Maybe not.
Full disclosure: This is not a glamorous way to live. I am not telling you to eat this way. I am simply advising you on how to spend very little money on lunch while only having to prepare for it twice a month, at most. It is a lifehack for people who are as much of a disaster as I am. Or, it is a good grocery list you can store on your desk indefinitely in case dining-out plans fall through or you leave your lunch bag on the train.
Here is a list of reasons why I eat the same thing for lunch every day: Read more