Oh what’s that? Is that Master Chef calling? You want to hire me as a consultant and pay me a million dollars a year? Now’s not a good time, but yes, I am a genius.
I have invented the world’s healthiest breakfast. After scouring the internet for something sweet and actually palatable that didn’t have flour or sugar in it, I decided I would invent my own dish.
The result, my friends, is the Unprocessed Banana Oat Bar. It has no added sugar, just uses the sweetness of bananas. The most processed grain involved is quick oats, which is renowned world over for being a healthy af breakfast. And best of all, it doesn’t taste like hot garbage or rabbit food! I promise you this recipe has been tasted and approved by even the least hippie of my friends and family.
Vegan. Gluten Free. Nut-free. No added sugar. So healthy it’s almost gross.
GUYS. I miss the good old days of getting handwritten chain letters from my elementary school friends and the awkward feeling of not having enough other friends to forward it to as much as the next person does. But fuck all of the mail I get as an adult. It it literally all garbage, and 99% of it comes in the form of a credit card offer that I need to shred in case anyone is rifling through my garbage looking for 50K bonus American Airlines miles. It’s not just garbage, it’s a goddamn chore.
If you were to ask me how this idea came to me, I would not have an answer. All I know is that here is excerpt of a real life conversation I had with my sister this weekend:
“Me: I wonder if I could make a thong out of an old t-shirt.
Sister: Oh my God. Do not do that for your blog. No.”
And that was that. 20+ years of sibling rivalry has led me to this day, and I will go to extreme lengths to piss off my baby sister. WASTE NO RESOURCES, you guys.
Did I want an excuse to post a picture of my butt on Instagram? Maybe.
Am I ever going to wear this thong again? Unclear. I promised myself I would wear it for however long it takes to write this post so I can come to a conclusion by the end of it. Yes, I have been known to take several days to finish things.Read more
Walk or bike everywhere. So obvious, I really need not include it. Use your legs. You have no excuse except chafing, and they make 2 things to combat that: Gold Bond and Bermuda shorts.*
Shop locally, or at least in brick and mortar stores. Cut that Amazon habit while you can! I cannot blame you for shopping online during a blizzard, but you have no excuse not to stop for groceries while you’re walking a mile home from your day drink at 4:00 PM. Day-drinking is soooo ec0-friendly.
Repurpose old jeans into cutoffs, old shirts into crops and tanks. It is the naked season, and holes are now “sexy”. Did your favorite jeans explode right at the thigh mid-May like mine did? It’s because your legs are begging for freedom. Chop the bottom off that old work t-shirt, and take your first step toward becoming one of those Instagram girls who can confidently work out in clothes that cover less surface area than my lingerie. Plus, none of that yucky pollution coming from the garment industry!
Air condition one room at a time. Summer is the season of staying the f*ck outside the house until it’s time to sleep or wipe your sweat off with your bath towel. So do you really need the whole apartment to be a crisp 70? Keep the bedroom cool and the doors closed. Close the vents to the other rooms or leave the window units off until you’re spending a long time in there.
Plants are amazing. They taste delicious. No mobs outside McDonald’s ever yell at you about how much they love their mothers or how they can learn how to paint. Vegans, amirite?
Changing your diet and lifestyle to be more plantastic is awesome for the Earth, but not all plants are created equal. I am guilty of adoring artichokes, and I usually only eat the delicious center of them, thereby wasting 99% of it and denying my future grandchildren access to clean drinking water or something else terrible along the way
Everyone knows almonds caused the drought in California – haha it totally wasn’t over-consumption from human haha no way haha we are totally doing great and almonds are to blame haha who knew haha just don’t take away my baths haha ! – but who knows how to choose between corn and potatoes for dinner?Read more
My roommate and I recently decided that if we’re going to live in our apartment for another year, we better decorate it. Yeah, we had lived here for a year, and there was still nothing on the walls except the below “Fuck Trump” decree leftover from the day after the election.
Let’s clarify, I am garbage and could not have cared less how much or how little stuff was on the wall. I did win the argument and my lazily resistant streamers will remain up until we have a new president. But happy wife, happy life, and I try to be a good husband to my roommate.
Here is a list of things I learned while trying to decorate my apartment on a very cheap budget: Read more
I went through a period of my life during which I only ever ordered cheeseburgers at restaurants. I became a cheeseburger snob, and I finally developed a taste for different temperatures and seasonings. Needless to say, I fuckin love cheeseburgers.
Beef has been the hardest thing to give up since I went lazy veg in 2015. But it’s also one of the more problematic meats, so I try to cheat with it as little as possible. Read more
People who know me know that I do not sleep. I am chronically awake. I cannot nap. I have an unused Ambien prescription sitting in my nightstand because my roommate is too nervous that she won’t wake up if I sleepwalk into traffic. (Honestly, I’d rather her save me from binge-eating in my sleep but her causes are more noble than mine.)
I have a lot of issues. Sometimes, though, the greatest ideas come to you when you have hours and hours to just lay awake and contemplate the world every night. And sometimes you’re making your bed because you washed your sheets for the first time in… six weeks?… and genius strikes. Read more
1. Donate the money you saved on something bad to a good cause – I recently bought some extraordinarily cheap glasses from firmoo.com. They were less than $40, including expedited shipping because I am a princess and could not wait four weeks for them to get all the way here from China. A normal pair of glasses can run 10x that, so with all of the yucky guilt that came with the idea of a plane flying these glasses 22 hours first class from Shanghai, I decided to make a monthly recurring donation to GiveWell. More on that here. So basically, I get it. It’s hard not to shop at H&M sometimes. Just throw some cash at trees or something after.