Most of the time I argue for simplifying everything. If I can’t convince myself that I need something, or at least want it more than I want to save the Earth, I’m not going to buy it. And then Poor Rosie is like “oh yeah that’s the reason we didn’t buy that.” Do you believe me when I say you can save money while going green, even after I advocated spending $4.25 on a bottle of organic ketchup?
Well, this is an argument for keeping shit. Hoarding, even. (Oh God you guys, don’t start hoarding, please– that’s one of those compromise things. Please throw away all of your used tampons, etc.)
To illustrate, here is a photo of me taken in January, 2009 according to Facebook:
And here is a photo taken of me ONLY MOMENTS AGO, equally as dramatic, WEARING THE SAME SWEATSHIRT. And before you ask, no, I did not change outfits to take this picture. I was 100% already wearing a sweatshirt that I was photographed in in early 2009. I will never apologize for who I am.
Here is a list of reasons why you should keep wearing all of your shitty t-shirts that you’re so attached to:
- You need to look like garbage sometimes. For example, bedtime. I have a bunch of XL leggings that I bought at my heaviest. I now have a collection of the comfiest jammies and casual layers on the market: XL leggings. Yes, they are baggy at the crotch. Quit the bitchin, throw a damn dress over them, and assume your new identity of Comfy Queen.
- Laundry is the worst, and oh yeah it wastes water or something. Sometime in 2012, I made the rookie mistake of buying seven white cotton thongs from the Gap. Five years later, they are full of holes and have weird stains from all of the weird colorful things that come of women. Never buy white underwear, guys, trust me. These things are awful, but when it’s 20 degrees and I have the option of walking to the laundromat or just re-wearing my jeans and a pair of five-year-old undies? Guess which option I choose.
- You will never have to buy jammies again. Ok, I’ll admit, I like very few things more than getting a set of brand new jammies, especially if they are Christmas themes or otherwise fucking adorable and comfy. But, I’m not an idiot or a billionaire, so I have not bought new jams in years. Who cares if I sleep in free fun run t-shirts and my aforementioned XL leggings? Just make sure to put them on after passionate love making if you are looking to “keep the magic alive” in your relationship.
- Holes make for fun and sexy peep shows. If your jeans don’t wear down in the thighs from sweaty sweaty friction, you are kidding yourself and are unknowingly walking around in holy jeans. But, you’re in luck because those holes keep everyone blessed enough to see your leg skin poking through keenly aware of your sexuality and fiery passion in the bedroom.
- Cutting stuff up is in right now, or so I’d like to think. All of my t-shirts were unflatteringly long and would get all tight around my butt. Solution? Cut out the collar and the bottom half and you got yourself a casual crop top perfect for the third day of Lolla.
- Old t-shirts also make for good cleaning rags, homemade produce bags, headbands, or really anything you can think of that’s made out of fabric.
So, as long as you can put that old crappy article of clothing to use, keep it. Don’t throw out your jeans the second they rip, or anything that snags on your zippers in the dryer. If you don’t wear it, but it’s still in decent condition, donate it. But if not, keep it in the closet, and wear it on laundry day.