Month: June 2017

Fuck Salad!

18161640_127604347787891_1239813997289537536_nHello everyone.

I rarely eat meat. I also try to be skinny in a never ending cycle of eating cake and then proclaiming “sugar is poison” to anyone who will listen.

So, most people think that all I eat is salad. That is wrong, and I want to clear the record.

Salad is fine. I mostly like salad when it’s 90% bacon bits and blue cheese and olive oil. The rest of the time, salad can kiss my ass.

Reasons that I think salad is bad: Read more

Lonely Lady Hummus: It’s Good, I Promise

Below is a recipe I invented for “hummus.” Do not make this recipe for your friends. It is not hummus. It is not attractive. It tastes only vaguely reminiscent of hummus, but it makes all of the white beans that I eat constantly but despise very palatable. It is best served standing over your counter in the 12 minutes you have between getting home from work and dying inside.

What is even the difference between all of the different white beans? I do not understand or care, and probably never will. Alone, they all taste like salty garbage, IMO. You can use cannellini or great northern or butter beans or beige beans or tan beans. If someone can explain those subtleties me, please do.


I keep my medicines in this empty tahini can on my nightstand. Is the brand’s logo racist? Yes or no? Tell me what YOU think in the comments! (Uh…like for racist, share for not racist? haha…?)

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Sautéed Eggplant for Goddesses

eggplant lol

So, this recipe is not very attractive, but for some reason it seems to impress people. In true HAG fashion, this recipe takes around 10 minutes to make, uses around 3 dishes (if you’re smart) and uses almost every spice in your cabinet. It is filling enough to eat as your only course if you’re not into trying hard, but you can also pair it with your fave protein or grain.


Ingredients: Read more

Yes, even you can make your own jewelry

My problems with jewelry are as follows:

  1. I do not remember to put it on in the morning.
  2. It is very expensive (for something that I do not remember to put on in the morning.)


That’s basically it, but in my quest to not produce waste and not fund scary sweatshops overseas, it has been incredibly hard to find affordable jewelry that I would actually wear. Since jewelry doesn’t wear out, but also goes in and out of fashion very fast, most of what I’ve found at thrift stores has been either overpriced or completely fucking hideous.

This is one of the rings I made. It is supposed to say “lol.” I think it is fine.

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On Ordering In: An Argument for Eating Out

Trigger warning: This is more of a pedantic rant than anything else. Enjoy?

Let’s get this straight. I love Chinese food. And Indian food, and Thai food, and pizza and cheeseburgers. I love most food. But, my days of ordering in have come to an end. Why? First reason: I’m a princess. Second reason: I am poor. If I’m gonna spend $25 on a meal for one, I’m definitely gonna have a handsome waiter deliver me free refills of diet coke while I make him uncomfortable by using graphic language every time he approaches the table to check in. I’m absolutely gonna have a high-school aged hostess show me to my table and feel so superior to her just ‘cause she’s a teen. Suck it, teens! I can drink alcohol in public!

Second, ordering in is so needlessly wasteful. You know when you order Chinese, so you get an egg roll and your main course and fried rice? Sure, maybe you’re not as disgusting as I am, but this is a safe space. They always put the little green sauce that no one wants and the little purple sauce that no one wants in these little plastic cups that you can never reuse because even if you were the kind of person who brought a salad to work for lunch, you’d definitely want more dressing than can fit in there. Rant over. But seriously? You really need a plastic thingy for the sauce, another plastic thingy for the protein, another cardboard foldy thingy for the rice, and plastic silverware and fortune cookies and chopsticks?

Sidebar: I cannot use chopsticks gracefully. I could practice more, but that seems like a waste of time when we have been blessed with forks. Maybe if I were going to Asia I’d practice in order to be respectful and not look like a yuge asshole. Maybe not.

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This *waste* is actually leftovers from a restaurant, sooooo no, I did not sacrifice my morals for the sake of photography. Although I do adore the choice of paper boxes over plastic. Amen.

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The 7 Struggles of a Simple & Clean Beauty Routine

Hello. I am vain. When people say they are trying to lose weight to feel better about themselves and have more confidence, I am not among those people. If I’m trying to lose weight, it is 100% to look sexier in a bikini, and I don’t care who knows it.

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Eyeliner brought to you by something I found at Whole Foods. The ring I’m wearing is a finger-sized key ring that I found on the ground. See how normal I still look!?

Will I leave the house without filling in my eyebrows? How bad of a brow day am I having? (99% of the time, the answer is “very”)

Nevertheless, every time I use my glorious acne scrub in the shower, I can’t help but picture a fish choking on my microbeads and thus haunting the seas until its ghost drowns my aforementioned sexy bikini body at the beach. Read more

How to Have Hippie Hair Without Being Gross

One of the big reasons I started this blog was because I felt like there was nowhere on the internet that would teach me how to go green without going balls to the wall patchouli-oil-everywhere™.

When my sister was in high school, she tried to join the no-poo movement and started washing her hair with mostly white vinegar. It was not good. The smell was less good. I gave up on ever having an eco-friendly hair routine, pledging my allegiance to my expensive silicones and plastic bottles.

UNTIL. TODAY. Let me be clear, I, by no means, am Rosie with the Good Hair™. My hair is uncontrollably curly naturally, but retains no shape throughout the day. It has looked like tumbleweed, and it has about as much moisture. My life is a constant fight to make my hair look the way it does on any given day. Feel free to call me the Rocky Balboa of hair care.

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Not a selfie, but a glamour shot of my earbud cord.

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4 ways to avoid online shopping even though it’s so fantastic

Online shopping is wonderful. You don’t have to leave your house to buy stuff, which cuts down on exercise (which you know I hate) and running into people you went to high school with at Target (see: how I feel about exercise).

That being said, fuck online shopping. Have you ever ordered, say, a single envelope, and received a box the size of Afghanistan with a box the size of small child inside, only to find the thing you ordered is a novelty miniature version of what you thought you were ordering, hidden inside the 35th Russian-nesting-box? I certainly have. And as a lady whose landlord doesn’t pay for recycling to get picked up, I have become keenly aware of just how much waste online shopping produces…because it’s all sitting in my kitchen in a dangerous but semi-artistic tower.

See below:

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I don’t even need to mention how far that stuff has to travel to you, wasting gas and womanpower along the way. So, here is a list of tips to help you save some world without spending way more money than usual and still getting everything you want. Read more

World’s Cheapest and Laziest Office Lunch

Full disclosure: This is not a glamorous way to live. I am not telling you to eat this way. I am simply advising you on how to spend very little money on lunch while only having to prepare for it twice a month, at most. It is a lifehack for people who are as much of a disaster as I am. Or, it is a good grocery list you can store on your desk indefinitely in case dining-out plans fall through or you leave your lunch bag on the train.

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Here is a list of reasons why I eat the same thing for lunch every day: Read more

How to dye your own clothes (when you have never, ever done anything like it before)

Here’s a dull story for you: I had this shirt that I really liked that was olive green. I wore it once, and shortly thereafter got toothpaste or acne medicine or something else that hates my fashion sense all over the boob-part of the shirt. I was devastated. There was a giant orange stain where my cleavage should be, and I thought it was a lost cause. THEN, I decided I could save my shirt, and an old pair of jeans that faded in a non-sexy way by experimenting with DYEING MY OWN CLOTHES. See how far confidence brings you, people?

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This is the shirt. It used to be green. Now it is blue. 

Here is what I have learned: Read more